“You’re as healthy as a horse!”, so says my Family Practitioner.
Because I’m over 65, and on the Medicare Carousel, she informed me of all the neat free stuff that Medicare offers to senior citizens.
“Screenings” they call them. In another venue they would be referred to as war crimes; but let’s go with “screenings” for the sake of expedience.
Here’s the what, when, and why for some of them:
1) Sticking something big and scary way down my throat. Why? To see what’s down there, I guess.
2) Stick something even bigger and scarier way up my derriere. Why? To see if they can see the light coming from the other thing the other guy’s shoving down my throat.
3) Sonogram of all your innards. Very useful…..and totally non-invasive. Sure, high frequency sound waves can hurt you in Cuba; but not here. This is America!
It’s no more dangerous that duct-taping yourself to one of the main speaker towers at a “Dead” concert; and who among us has NOT done that!
Why do they need to blast you with high frequency sound waves? Let’s call it whimsy.
4) Enough chest X-rays to turn you into a burnt-out husk. Why? Because you requested it, silly. See right here, you signed the release forms.
About here is where I passed out; but before I did, my answers to her offers were respectively: “No, NO, No, I’ll get back to you on that one.”
(I threw her a bone on that last one; not to worry, medical professionals have memory equivalent of a stroke victim; when was the last time they actually called you back?)
Medicare is a carousel. Easy to get on (in fact, they virtually hurl you onto it). It goes on and on, up and down, round and round without end.
- “Time for your next screening.”
- “Can you come in again, there seems to be a problem.”
- “Never mind, there’s no problem, I think.”
- “According to the test results, you have Huntington’s Chorea; wait a minute, that’s not you………my bad.”
- “SIR! Can you hear me! How many fingers do you see?!”
Look! If you are over 65, I know exactly what you want:
“Just one whole year of feeling great, without anyone asking you, “how do you feel?”…. and meaning it.”
Early “screenings” are great. If they catch something early, they may be able to do something about it. (Unless it was you that had Huntington’s Chorea. They can’t fix that; but there will be a lot more tests).
They can screen for:
Aortic aneurism, Coronary Disease, Colon Polyps, Chagas Disease, Male Pattern Baldness, Botfly Larva, Dangling Participles, and a host of other popular ailments.
The only true “screening” I need……is my calls.
Just in case they follow-up on their valuable offers.