Halloween Like It Used to Be
Article provided Special to The Northeast Texan
“My kid asked, ‘What did you used to do for Halloween, Daddy?’” Red said.
“Disaster Guy, should I tell him?” Red asked. “Up until now he’s had some respect for me, and if he knew what I really did on Halloween…”
“Oh, come on! It can’t be that bad!” the Disaster Guy said. “Um… what did you do?”
“Farmers had outhouses back then,” he said. “My friends and I moved one.”
“That’s not so bad,” the Disaster Guy said.
“We moved it back six feet!” Red said.
“Well, some friends and I moved my French teacher’s VW,” the Disaster Guy said. “We put it on her porch.”
“What happened?” Red asked.
“She called my mother, and we had to put it back,” the Disaster Guy said.
“What’s the best Halloween stunt you ever pulled?” Red asked.
“The church had a scary Halloween party for kids. They blacked out the basement and escorted us through one at a time,” the Disaster Guy said. “The scariest thing was putting our hands into a bowl full of eyeballs.”
“Were they really eyeballs?” Red asked.
“No! They were peeled Concord grapes,” the Disaster Guy said. “I know, because I took one. But we got back at the ladies for scaring us!”
“What did you do?” Red asked.
“Sammy Albrose’s grandfather raised sheep, and he had just slaughtered some. So we asked him if we could have some sheep eyeballs, and he gave them to us,” the Disaster Guy said. “We went back through the church and dropped them in the bowl of peeled grapes.”
“Everything was normal until the ladies turned on the lights,” he said.
“Did you do anything else like that?” Red asked.
“One lady put out lifelike manikins dressed in Halloween costumes,” the Disaster Guy said. “We stood next to them in our costumes, standing as stiffly as statues.”
“When other kids came by, they thought we were manikins, too,” he said. “Until we said ‘Boo!’”
“What’s the neatest thing you did on Halloween, Red?” he asked.
“Some big kids stole my candy,” Red said. “So we went home, and my uncle got dressed in his security uniform and went back with us.”
“He stepped out from behind a tree, shined a flashlight on their faces, and made them give back our candy!” Red said. “They were so flustered that they gave back their candy, too!”
“One year my father made me a tank Halloween costume. He cut up cardboard boxes and painted it all grey,” Red said. “I fell off a curb and crunched the tank, making it look like a dead ghost tank. And after that, everybody gave me double treats!”
“Were you ever scared when you went trick-or-treating?” Red asked.
“There was one house that looked vacant, but there was an old guy who gave us candy,” the Disaster Guy said. “When we went by the next day, we noticed that the house really was vacant! We never figured out who the guy was.”
“My Mother went with me when I was little. She dressed up like a cat,” he said. “I went to every door to get candy, while she sneaked around scaring dogs.”
“The next year she dressed like a witch,” he said. “With her fake nose and noisy screech, she scared the kids for several blocks.”
“Were you ever scared, Red?” the Disaster Guy asked.
“Oh, yeah! We went to a house that had a big wooden planter in front of it. Their porch light looked as bright as a refrigerator bulb,” Red said. “After we got the candy, we turned around to leave. Some guy dressed in black sat up in the planter box, just as the people slammed their door shut.”
“We found something like that, a dead guy in the front yard,” the Disaster Guy said. “We told the people at the door, but they ignored us and slammed the door. Then the dead guy chased us off the property and up the street.”
“When I got home, I looked at my face in the mirror,” he said. “My face was dead white, and I hadn’t used any white make-up!”
“Yeah, it’s too bad that kids don’t have fun like we used to,” the Disaster Guy said. “By the way, what’s in that box on your table?”
“Oh, some treats for the kids,” Red said.
“Something special?” the Disaster Guy asked.
“Not really,” Red said. “Just some chocolate rats that will stick to their hands and wiggle when they pick them up.”
You can still have fun on Halloween. After Halloween, you can find almost 160 emergency preparedness and disaster survival tips on the website, www.DisasterGuy.com. The Disaster Guy would welcome your comments on this article by e-mail to <email@example.com>.